Have you ever heard of John Gray’s book, “Men Are From Mars: Women Are From Venus?” One could definitely think that men were from a different planet if you sat in my office chair and listened to women speak about men! For more than 30 years now, I’ve fielded such questions as:
• Why can’t he just say how he feels?
• All he’s interested in is sex, isn’t he? I can tell he’s just pretending to listen so I’ll go to bed with him.
• What difference would it make if I told him my feelings? He would still just look at me like I have two heads! AND THEN, I’d just have to repeat it anyway!
• Do you think men are really meant for monogamous relationships?
• Why does he just sit there with the kids and pretend to play? I can tell he’s really just watching T.V.
• Why can’t he just cuddle? Does everything have to lead to sex?
• I just want to tell him how I feel. Why does he always try to fix it or tell me what I need to do to feel better?
I think you’re getting the gist of it! How men love and how men communicate can look very different to the female gender. (Men don’t worry; you’ll get your answers next week! Look for the next post on questions men have asked me about women for years.)
The Science of It All
Well first of all, let’s agree to acknowledge that men and women’s brains are wired very differently. That is part of the beauty of the relationship after all, isn’t it? Each gender has strengths in different areas – it’s the yin and yang of the relationship!
Being scientific for a moment, each sex tends to excel at different types of cognitive functions. Research has shown that men tend to do well at mental rotation of objects and spatial perception, whereas women tend to be better at verbal memory and fluency.
Men’s instincts are to protect and create a safe environment that stem from primal times, and women’s instincts are to be the caregiver and nurturer for their family such as making food for their loved ones. Each gender shows their own expression of love and caring. But I think you know enough of that side of the equation. It’s now time for us to understand how the 21-century male has evolved through the generations, yet can still exhibit some of the same basic needs. So while our present day male can just as untiringly care for his baby, he also can turn into a Bruce Willis type if his family becomes threatened.
We call this type of man the strong silent type. He is focused on providing for his family but will also pull his woman into the cave to have sex and feel connected. Our contemporary man can also talk about his feelings. Though sometimes after having sex all the woman wants to do is to get up and leave! Interestingly enough, there has been role-reversal through this process!
Men can listen when women speak if enough of their senses are triggered. Touching his arm lightly as you are talking and maintaining eye contact will assure you that he’s listening and remembering it. Touch is core with men, and yes that’s why they do like to have sex after cuddling. It’s innate; it’s natural and will be explored UNLESS you say differently.
The Bottom Line
Men will listen if you choose to speak to them. It’s always effective if there’s not sarcasm, judgment, or criticism involved. If communicated with love, respect and caring you might be amazed at how well men listen, remember, have deep and meaningful conversations filled with feeling words and try to meet your every need!
In the meantime, they can still be their old protective selves! I kind of like it that chivalry is not dead! Send me my knight that can also make dinner, do a load of laundry and give the kids a bath before bed!
How does the man in your life love? It’s always fun to share!
New Pathway to Healing
Connect to Mind – Body – Spirit with Petey Silveira