Go with the resistance, and welcome change.
Since the theme for this month is “Welcoming Change,” I thought it would be interesting to speak of change in relationships. In my work as a therapist and life coach, I often see people become resistant and defensive when their partner talks about wanting them to make changes.
All of a sudden they’re not good enough? When they first met years ago, weren’t they just right for you then? They wonder why you are asking for change now. Is it that they need to change or perhaps you have changed, and they’re no longer meeting your needs?
Instead of spending tons of time in angst or anger deliberating if you should entertain the notion of change, perhaps it would be just easier to go with a few of the changes they’re speaking of? One of the operating principles I’ve helped people understand is the concept of “going with the resistance.” If you go with the resistance, then there’s nothing to resist and, life becomes much more peaceful and calm.
For example, I have a client that just wants her spouse to accept her new projects she starts and acknowledge the passion and excitement she feels. He on the other hand sees her new project as a threat. He will list all the things she will now not have time for…not spending enough time with the children, not prioritizing household responsibilities, etc. Although she feels very defensive when he speaks, she decided to follow my lead and go with the resistance.
Embrace your passion.
She acknowledged all of his feelings and spoke to how she felt about his concerns. It turns out that they have exactly the same priorities, and he was able to let go of his anger and defensive posturing because of her response. When this happened he was then able to actually compliment her on her new passion and expressed missing something similar that he could feel the same level of passion about. They became a team again instead of adversarial partners.
If she had not “changed” her response to him they would have been at the same spot – not speaking or acknowledging each other’s concerns and living together although separate, which is such an uncomfortable place to be in!
Welcome change in your relationship today, and see and feel the results!
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